"No Death At All" Day 211 - LAST POST!!

This post is for September 28th, 2011

It was on this morning two years ago, my family and I had to say our goodbyes. I will never forget that time in our lives. I had taken an early flight home from a dance event. I remember sitting in the airport feeling guilty for WANTING a flight delay or cancelation. I was fearful of death and really had no interest in being present with it. I sat on the plane, my hands trembling with nerves, tears rolling down my face ... I knew it wouldn't be much longer, death was approaching and there was no way around it.


Upon entering my house, I felt a calm wash over me. I was instantly brought into to a moment of divine presence. I quietly walked up to Pete's bed. I was surprised at how different he looked since the days before. He was frail and worn, his skin was yellow and his eyes glassed over. His fingernails were blue and his breathing seemed labored. His face was thin and skeleton like. His head slowly turned to the sound of my voice. "Hi Uncle Pete, It's Jenny" I said. I whispered words of comfort into his ear as if I was speaking to a child who was lost in his own surroundings. He reached up with his left hand in hopes to make contact with mine. I took a seat next to his bedside. I leaned even closer and kissed his forehead. The nurse reminded us that hearing is the last sense to go. With that awesome bit of knowledge, I reminded him how wonderful it must be to be on his way to see his parents. He nodded with everything that was left in him "yes" while letting out a slight moan. He was ready.

I stepped into the kitchen for a bit with the rest of the family. The nurse walked past me and said " There's a whole bunch of spiritual stuff happening in that room over there" as she pointed in Pete's direction. I took a moment and thought about what she said. At that moment, I realized that Pete's death was just as important as his birth, and that it should be made beautiful. I grabbed my purse, took out my travel speakers and began to play soft relaxing spa music. The room immediately began to lighten and Pete seemed to relax a bit. As each second rolled into the next, my thoughts began to get quieter and quieter. With each breath Pete took, I took one with him. For the first time in my life, time had STOPPED and it was wonderful. I had nothing to do but to be present. I stopped thinking and began feeling. I sat with each breath, his hand in mine. While stroking his forehead, a feeling of shock caught me by surprise. For a split second, I was envious. While sitting in stillness with him, I sensed a deep spiritual dimension. I realized that this was going to be Pete's new world. A world of compete being and peace. No body nor mind to worry about anymore. No pain, no hatred, no form and no problems. He was going to heaven and I wanted to go with.


I began to tell him how proud I was of what a wonderful life he had lived. I assured him that it was okay to let go, as everyone he loved was around him seeing him through to the other side. There were a few moments where he seemed anxious. He would pick at the sheets and lift arms as if he was trying to get out from under them and go somewhere. The nurse gave him some more morphine to subside any anxiety or pain. The house grew even quieter than before. Peter became weaker and we became more tired. The nurse moistened his mouth with a swab, as I ran my favorite chap stick across him lips. Comfort is what this entire process was about, and I was going to all I can to make that happen. A new form of compassion came out in me, one I never knew I had.

After seeing how peaceful Peter had become, we all decided to go into the bedroom and camp out. Any bit of sleep we could get was vital at a time like this. After a VERY short cat nap, Mom and I woke up at the same time, sat up in bed and looked at each other with a sense of urgency. We walked out of the bedroom and into Pete's room. The nurse sat next to him, monitoring his every breath. The light was dim and inviting, the room absent of fear. Mom and I quietly placed ourselves near his bed. I whispered to the nurse "How do we know when death is near?" The nurse smiled softly and said " Within 15 mins of the family waking up and walking in" Mom and me let out a small chuckle of disbelief. I questioned her with "really?". The nurse shook her head "yes" and raised her eyebrows with certainty. She continued teaching "watch his breathing pattern. Its now labored in the abdomen, soon it will go to the chest, then his throat, then travel out his mouth. Just watch the rise and fall of his chest." I couldn't help but feel as if a baby was being born. A new spirit being born into a new world. I felt as if our scrapbook room was turned into a delivery room. I could feel his parents on the other side eagerly waiting for his arrival, as we were awaiting his departure. A split waiting room if you can imagine. Sitting there with 2 other women, seemed very appropriate during this transition. A nurturing, motherly energy filling the room.

Soon she informed us to go wake up my Dad and Brother. The time had come to say our last goodbyes. We huddled around Pete for one last time, the "DeLuca Family" as we knew it. With each breath growing more faint than the last, we bowed our heads in silence holding him with all the love in our hearts. At 12:05 am on September 28th, Peter took his last breath. Once the nurse confirmed that the body was absent of life, I took notice to something quite interesting. Pete's body looked completely deflated. Face completely sunken in, his eyes fell deep within the sockets, his nostrils collapsed. It didn't even look like PETE! A body that I had become accustom to know over the past 26 years, had seemed foreign to me as if it were a complete stranger lying in our home. I was finally able to see the body as a shell. Nothing more, nothing less. A carrier of Pete's essence.

The nurse did her final duties and lovingly so. She gave the body it's final bath and clothed it in a designated shirt (chicago cubs, Pete's favorite team) It was amazing to watch a complete stranger demonstrate such compassion and love with another. She took care of him as if he were HER family. An angel sent by Hospice, an angel sent by God.

We waited in the living room for the okay from the nurse to go back in and mourn the body (if desired so) I remember sitting there in a complete sense of peace. We all looked at each other in a zombie like manner, exhausted from the experience. We made a few light hearted statements and spent some time remembering Pete as we knew him. Within a few hours, two men from the cremation services company arrived at our door step. Each was dressed in a black suite and looked very professional. They quietly walked in and greeting us in the living room. They gave us their condolences and assured us that we were in control of when they can take the body. They mentioned how loving the home seemed, informing us how most families keep their dying loved one in the room farthest away from the main areas, with the door shut. They thought it was great to have everything out in the open. Within about 30 mins, the body was gone.

In came two men, out went three....

Used medical equipment and heavy emotion flooded the house. I suggested to Mom, Dad and Christian that they spend the night at my home just a few miles away. They packed an overnight bag and jumped in the car. My husband (Erik) had to stop and get gas. He told me to ride with Mom and Dad. The quicker I could get everyone settled in a bed, the better. The car seemed silent as we drove over the house. Christian sat next to me in the back as Mom sat next to Dad in the front. Silence was soon replaced with a rush of LOVE. "WOW DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?!?!?!" Dad shouted. Before his statement could even register with me, I was already in awe at what just happened. A gorgeous deer had galloped gracefully across the street in front of us. It had stopped for a moment and looked at us, then continued on it's way. The headlights from the car gave the deer a soft glow, making for a beautiful sight. It was a short distance from the car, so we all got a great view. The words "It's Pete " came rolling from my tongue. Not sure how it was Pete or what part was Pete .... but Pete's spirit was with us in that car. We all felt connected to the moment, knowing it was NOT something of THIS world. I felt Pete was letting us all in on a VERY SMALL part of his new life, wanting to make sure we knew he was at peace and running free. We arrived home convinced that Pete was at peace. I slept through the night ... totally at peace.

A year ago today, I was sitting in a pile of tissues painfully grieving the loss of my Uncle. Life hits and it hits hard. The "Firsts" are always the hardest. My first birthday without a loving birthday card. The first Christmas without hearing his gift from the heart. The first sit down dinner as a family while staring at an empty seat. The first year is the hardest. I came to a revelation last year that I would make my grieving process one to remember. I wrote down all of my favorite memories of Pete which have been combined into the blog you are reading today. I had planned on it taking a year for the healing process to work, but for me, it worked much sooner.

For 210 days I blogged daily about my Uncle. Reflecting DAILY on memories of my loved one, not only helped me through the grieving process, but also helped me to keep him memory alive and on record. Every time I would blog, I was in the moment and one with Pete. I felt him in my writing, I felt him in my daily living, I felt him in the "new norm" of my life. I was getting to know more about my Uncle than I ever thought possible. I knew I had begun healing because I wasn't NEEDING to blog as often. Life was happening and I was living again like I once did with Peter by my side. Through this blogging experience, I have been able to heal on my own time in my own way.

I completely believe that as one door shuts, theres another one even more beautiful opening. A VERY special door opened for me shortly after Pete's passing. My interest in Hospice Care. I recently went through a two month training program to become a certified volunteer for hospice patients and their families. I am honored to give back to this wonderfully compassionate ministry. The entire experience has COMPLETELY enhanced my life, and for that, I thank Uncle Pete. He was my first patient without any of us knowing. He showed me first hand, how to love and to be loved during the dying process.

I have learned a lot on this journey .... a short poem sums it all up ;)

"NO DEATH AT ALL"

By - Jennifer DeLuca

My spirit is light, and absent of time
My body is aging, and crossing the line
I'm alive on the out but dying within
A life lived in mind, insanity and sin

To sin is to miss the BIG target of life
I dread a tough death, with horrible strife
Love is the bullseye, the target in sight
The arrow of stillness will comfort the night

I've learned how to laugh, I've learned how to cry
I've learned how to live, I've learned how to die
I'll live in the now, a moment not missed
My presence alone is the ultimate bliss

In prayer, you may talk, mediation you're still
You will feel from within your spiritual will
When your mind is most quiet, let ego take fall
You'll discover quite quickly, there's no death at all


NOTE TO THE READER -

I thank all of you whom followed this blog, I do hope it shed some light on the grieving process. I look forward to getting this blog published into a Bereavement book. More information to follow.

Living Like A Loved One TRULEY IS a Journey OF Healing! God Bless

-Jennifer DeLuca

Family In Friends - Day 210 of 365

This post is for April 23, 2010

MEMORY -

Finding "Family" in Friends and finding "Friends" in family ..... what a great discovery.  Just now do I realize what a true friend was .... like I've said before "Pete was more than just an Uncle, he was my friend"

APPLICATION -

Today, Erik and I had to drive back home to reality. A wonderful weekend spent with wonderful people, made it hard to leave.  We truly felt like we were leaving family.  On the drive back, I thought about how much Peter would have loved to meet these dear friends of ours, they would have felt like family to him .... they were just those kinds of people ......

REFLECTION -

...... and Pete was just that kind of guy.

Good Job - Day 209 of 365

This post is for April 22, 2011

MEMORY -

Uncle Pete was a proud man.  Proud of his job, proud of his accomplishments, and proud of his family.  He never hesitated to give each of us "the pat on the back" when we did a good job.

APPLICATION-

Today .... I did a good job...... and had the urge to tell him all about it

REFLECTION -

Sometimes the people you love are not there to "give you a pat on the back" ... give yourself one and know that it's okay to celebrate alone

Waiting Rooms - Day 208 of 365

This post is for April 21, 2011

MEMORY -

At the time of Pete's passing ..... so much was happening.  Spiritually, mentally, emotionally .... all spectrum's were being tested.  Although death sat upon our door step waiting ever so quietly .... life sat around us, on us and through us.  In fact, I don't recall a time in my life where I felt so alive.  So present, so  "in the moment" than I did that evening.   To feel the essence of life in the presence of death  ..... how blessed we all were to share that feeling.  I remember agreeing with my mom when she said "It's weird, I feel like a baby is about to be born"  I then replied with "I know, I feel like there are two waiting rooms. One on this side with loved ones saying their goodbyes and then another group of loved ones on the "other side" waiting for him with open arms"  The one time in my life, just for a moment did I want to be on the other side.


APPLICATION -

Sitting with a girlfriend on the beach, the day can't get anymore beautiful.  The wind is softly blowing, the sun is brightly shining and the waves are calmly dancing.  It really was the perfect day.  I didn't think it could get much more perfect until we struck a topic in conversation that lit my heart.

We had landed on the subject of "life".  I usually can't reflect upon life without reflecting upon death.  Through death, I found a new side of life ..... thanks to Pete.  I began to tell my friend about my last night with Uncle Pete.  As the words eased off my tongue, I began to tear a bit in the eyes.  Reliving that memory with Pete ..... it oddly felt comforting.  Reliving such a god sent opportunity sparked a feeling within my heart that I unfortunately can't even put into words.

REFLECTION -

My urge to work with Hospice is growing stronger.  Hopefully Mom and I will get our appointment to visit the Hospice House soon and receive a tour.  I feel Pete has opened up a new door in my life and a new calling for sure.

Learning Italian - Day 207 of 365

This post is for April 21, 2011

REFLECTION -

It wasn't abnormal to catch Peter speaking bits of Italian throughout his day.  He would make us all laugh, not by what he said, but by the conviction in his voice that was behind each word.  He kept "Italian For Dummys" on his book shelf and listened to Italian tapes in the car.  He was the most Italian member of our family.  The language, the cooking, the love for Italy ....... no doubt, this man was proud of his heritage!

APPLICATION -

During a lengthy drive to South Florida, Erik and I decided to pop in a tape and learn some Italian.  We have a family trip planned at the end of the year to visit Italy, so we thought it would be a good idea to learn what we can now!  As the words poured from the tape onto our tongues, Pete came to mind.   Memories of Pete walking around the house shouting Italian phrases formed a smile upon my heart.

REFLECTION -

I hope to learn what I can in Italian before our trip, keeping Pete in my heart every word of the way!

"Uncle" - Day 206 of 365

This post is for April 20th, 2011

MEMORY -

Everyone has someone in their life that they will listen to and learn from.  Sometimes we call them "teacher" or sometime we call them "friend".  I called him "Uncle".  He listened with an open heart and spoke with a loving tone.  His words were honest and he was more "present" than most people I know.  I miss him so much.


APPLICATION -

After teaching a day of lessons, it felt good to give back to others what Peter had given me so many times before.  A good ear and an honest word.

REFLECTION -

Hard to believe Pete is gone.  Hard to believe with all the people I speak to, he is the only one who fits the bill.

Back Injury ;-( Day 201 - Day 205 of 365

Sorry, no posts for April 15th-19th - Had a back injury that kept me on muscle relaxers for a few days.  Sadly to say, I was sleeping most of the time ;-(

A Spirit Is Heard - Day 200 of 365

This post is fro April 14th, 2011      

MEMORY - 

 Pete's voice ….  It was a loving, happy-go-lucky  kind of voice.  One that was friendly and inviting.   It varied in pitch with emotion and grew in volume with laughter.

APPLICATION - 

As Dad and I sit together, waiting for Lucy's doctor to arrive with her yearly round of shots, he brought out his phone.  He began to flip through old photos of Pete.  He brought up the sound clip of Peter's voicemail.  I've listened to this voicemail before, as it's surreal every time it's heard, however today ……. I felt something new.

It was a feeling I haven't felt before.  I wasn't saddened, yet I was the complete opposite.  I felt happy and blessed to know that we live in a world where technology can assist in the grieving process. The very technology that Pete was so fond of, was the same technology that we use to recall a memory of him, one I am so thankful to have recorded.  

After the recording was played, I felt a burst of joy come alive in my heart.  I knew it was Pete, speaking with the voice of his spirit.  It 

REFLECTION - 

Although his voice is no longer spoken, much of his spirit is heard.   

A Misplaced Heart - Day 199 of 365

This post is for April 13th, 2011      "A Misplaced Heart"

MEMORY - 

I remember the day Mom and Dad presented me with my golden heart necklace.  The heart that held my Uncle's ashes, the heart that held so much meaning.

APPLICATION - 

As I rushed out the house today, I realized I wasn't wearing my gold heart.  I walked into the bathroom where I normally keep it, and it wasn't there.  My heart felt heavy as I began to panic.  I have NEVER misplaced something that means so much to me.  I began to pray.  Within seconds I found the heart sitting on a dresser in my closet.  I had taken it off the day before and placed it momentarily on the dresser.  Shocked at myself that I would forget such a thing, I took the necklace and put it lovingly around my neck.

REFLECTION - 

Sometimes, when life gets a little crazy, we forget the things that really mean something.  Today, remember to slow down and appreciate the things in your life that have special meaning,  Something as special as my necklace, doesn't deserve to be left forgotten upon a dresser.

"60 and Sexy" - Day 198 of 365

This post is for April 12th, 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE PETE!!!!!!!!!

MEMORY -

Upon many family celebrations, there was one that will forever go down in the books as the best party EVER!  It was Pete's "60 and Sexy" SURPRISE Birthday Party.  Mom and Dad had planned the biggest, most detailed event of all time!  The theme of the day was Hollywood.  We all played a part in the fun, Pete playing the most important ..... the sexy, rich and successful movie star, just one thing .... he didn't know it! LOL!!!

HIS ARRIVAL -

At the time Peter lived a few block away from us.  Mom planned for a limo driver to pick him up at his house.  Little did Pete know, he would only be riding in luxury for about 3 blocks!  The Limo driver pulls up to a house with a red carpet in the drive way and tons of people standing around it!  On a normal day, the people in the driveway were labeled as friends, but today they were paparazzi, groupies and media!  Before Pete could get out of the car,  the most "Pete obsessed" fan runs up to his side.   He stands up out of the car with the most clueless of smiles upon his face.  In a flattering manner, he signs his autograph for the fan (Jane, a good friend of the family) and continues his way to the red carpet.  Amidst the camera flashes, and greedy fans wanting autographs, his body guard ( My husband dressed in a black suit and dark glasses)  blocks the cameras and begins to guide him through the crowd.  I remember hearing Pete in a playful tone asks my hubby " Okay, Erik what the hell is going on here? "  Without leaving character, Erik responds with " Sir, we need to get you inside. NO PICTURES PLEASE!" Pete followed his way through the front door under a huge sign that says "60 and Sexy".  The sound of classic movie tunes  blast from the house.  The smell of popcorn floats thru the kitchen.  This was more than a birthday party, this was an event!!!!!!!

THE PICTURE SPOT -

As Pete took his seat in a borrowed directors chair, he noticed the people around him.  Erik (his body guard) behind him, hands behind back holding a complete stoic facial expression the ENTIRE TIME.  Jane ( the obsessed fan) sitting right next to him wearing a shirt with his picture on the front, trying to get his attention THE ENTIRE TIME.  Me ( his personal waitress for the evening) asking him constantly "Anything I can get you Mr. DeLuca?" THE ENTIRE TIME  Everyone wanted time with Pete.  This was hilarious.  Mom prepped everyone prior to the party with "act completely over the top, as if this was really a famous person!"  Pete couldn't get a word out.  After a good while of Pete posing for pictures, it came time for him to watch an important video

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIDEO -

Mom and Dad arranged a video with all of Pete's friends who couldn't make the party, sending their Birthday wishes.  It was a joy to watch Peters reaction to this, he was quite touched.

PRESENTATION OF AWARD -

My parents continued to go above and beyond for the party by paying a nice dollar to have a huge "academy award"inspired trophy made for Pete.  They titled it "The Lifetime Achievement Award".  Pete couldn't believe the extent everyone went to make him feel like a star.  The award was totally over the top but worth every dollar.

PETE'S SPEECH -

Then it came time for the star's speech, acceptance speech I guess you could call it.  Pete began to ease into his role by giving a short but sweet speech thanking everyone for coming to his debut party.  He even graced us with live performances of his famous songs " Rip Your Face To shreds","Proper Operation",  "Pralines" and "Im a Fiji Islander"

 This was by far the most memorable birthday I had ever been apart of!

APPLICATION -

I took some time today to look at Pete's Lifetime Achievement Award.  It stands tall next to his couch upstairs in my loft.  Next to it is a picture of me and him from that day at the party. We are both holding up MY autographed copy of his picture. One of my happiest memories with him.

REFLECTION -

 April 12th will forever be the day a star was born .... Happy Birthday Uncle Pete!

A Place Of Peace - Day 197 of 365

This post is for April 11th, 2011

MEMORY -

Moms scrapbook room.  It had more meaning than any other place in the house.  It was were memories were captured, cut, glued and preserved.  Special moments had been reflected upon in this room, but one moment holds most special.

APPLICATION -

Leaving moms house tonight from a quick pit stop, I noticed she had hung Pete's collage on the wall next to the front door.  I stood for a few moments enjoying the frame as if I had never seen it before.  Each sticker bringing to thought a vivid memory of Pete.  To my left was the scrapbook room.  I flashed back to September of 2009, the month we said our goodbyes.  Yes, the scrapbook room was the place where Pete left earth and joined the heavens above.  Mom and I often say to each other while standing in the room  " It all felt like a dream, you would have never known someone actually passed away here"  The room never held that "weird" feeling we all thought it would have afterwards.  The room actually held a new energy now.  A loving warmth that it didn't seem to have before.  I love being in that room now more than ever before.  It was only appropriate to place Pete's picture on the wall that was connected to that room.

REFLECTION -

The scrapbook room will forever be a place of new life, both on paper and off.

One Up On Pete - Day 196 of 365

This post is for April 10th, 2011

MEMORY -

This is a funny one!  Dad and Pete had a lifelong game of "Got Ya Back Last"  It all began in their early years.  One would smack the other then run the other direction yelling "Got Ya Back Last!!!!" This game of brotherly torment continued throughout the years, but there was one occasion that was most memorable.

Back in the day, airlines allowed friends and family to board the plane to say their goodbyes.  Well, Pete was headed off to the Air Force and was one up on Dad in their game of "Got Ya Back Last".  As Pete was getting comfortable in his row and belted into his seat, Dad comes running on board to the back of the plane.  Before Pete could even see Dad, he gave a good slap and yelled "Got Ya Back Last".  Before Pete could find his way out of his seat belt, Dad was gone off the plane and one up on Pete!!!!

APPLICATION -

Tonight, Dad introduced the game to my husband.  As they began to slap each other silly, one trying to be faster than the other,  Dad mentioned the airplane story.  He also mentioned that Pete had to wait 6 months before he was able to get Dad back! It drove Pete crazy that he had to wait that long being the loser of the two!

REFLECTION -

Interesting how the elder of the family was the one to bring youthful energy to the household.  Goes to show, age really is just a number.  It was nice to hear Dad tell the story.  It felt like Pete was there with us, delighting in the memory himself.

New Idea - Pete Inspired - Day 195 of 365

This post is for April 9th, 2011

MEMORY -

Today, I reflect back on the many memories of Pete.  What he liked, vacations we took, places he visited.  Each detail being vivid and holding special meaning.

APPLICATION -

As mom and I finished our soup and salad at The Olive Garden, we began to collect new crafting ideas.  Blessing Bouquets were fun to create but we wanted to go bigger, we wanted to create something of more value and meaning to the client.  I glanced at a boring photo on the wall and our new product came into clear focus.  A framed pictured surrounded by a mat, collaged with stickers and pictures of all the  things that were meaningful to the client or the clients loved one. One glance at this frame and you knew everything there was to know about the person!

We paid for our check, and went straight to Joanne Fabrics.  I purchased a matted frame and headed home.  Originally I had bought a ton of high quality 3d stickers to create a scrapbook in tribute of Peter, but just never got around to it.  I found my batch of stickers and got to work.  Within no time I had created the perfect tribute to Pete all under one glassed frame.

I brought the frame over to my Dad, and he LOVED IT!!!!  Each sticker represented something special about Pete's life, and his picture in the middle tied all of them together.

REFLECTION -

So happy it touched Dad, so happy I found a new venture .... I am sure Pete has something to do with this ;)

Under The Weather - Day 194 of 365

This post is for April 8th, 2011

MEMORY -

Being sick.  When it came to having a cold, Pete was pretty dramatic.  He would sneeze out loud, one that sounded throughout the house.  After his "sneezing production" he would let out a sigh of relief, lay his head back and moan some more.  If he was asked how he was doing "I no feely to good" was his answer.

APPLICATION -

Yup, you guessed it!  Caught a nasty bug.  Upon my mom checking up on me, I thought of Pete's 5 word answer.  "I NO FEELY TO GOOD!"

REFLECTION -

Time to get meds!

Timeless Jokes - 193 of 365

This post is for April 7th, 2011

MEMORY -

Pete and his jokes.  They were classic, yet not the classic ones you would normally hear.  They were different and totally absurd.  I almost want to think he made some of them up.  He would get the biggest kick out of them afterwards.  Almost convincing the person they were funny by laughing aloud and demonstrating how funny they really were.  He was so silly

APPLICATION -

After one of my lessons, my student told a pretty "adult" joke.  It brought me to tears it was so funny!  I knew Pete would have just loved the play on words.

REFLECTION -

Jokes are timeless.  Old or new .... they bring smiles to peoples faces and get the job done!

Wow - Day 192 of 365

This post if for April 6th, 2011

MEMORY -

Pete in my company.


APPLICATION -

Today, in between dance lessons ... I found Pete in my company


REFLECTION -

Out of THIS world, yet in MY company ..... wow...... amazing how he still finds his way into my heart!

Nicknack Pete - Day 191 of 365

This post is for April 5th, 2011

MEMORY -

I can honestly say that Peter owned some cool little nicknacks.  He collected a bunch of them throughout his travels.  He had a collection of figurines, unique boxes and  books.  I remember as a child, I would play with the figurines and build my own little fantasy world.  My favorite were the buffalo, the robot and the "thinking man"statue.  As I grew older, the nicknacks received less and less attention. They collected dust and sat un moved for many years to come.  I might have outgrown them, but each one still held great meaning to my Pete.  I am sure my titling of "nicknacks" is an understatement, as for Peter they were tangible memories that did more than just collect dust, but they told stories.

APPLICATION-

Today was spent practicing at a student's house.  I caught sight of a shelving unit that held a bunch of little clocks, each one different from the other.  It made me think of Pete's collection of nicknacks.

REFLECTION-

It's not what the nicknacks do, it's the story behind them that matters.  If you are in a special place and purchase a nicknack, don't hide it away.  Leave it out to be seen.  Good memories are most enjoyed when thought about often.

Lazy Day - Day 190 of 365

This post is for April 4th, 2011

MEMORY -

Lazy days at Pete's house.  A childhood memory, that stays alive in my heart today.  Most of my summers were spent with Peter and Grandma.  T.V all day and video games all night, all with my two favorite people!

APPLICATION -

Recovering from the hard weekend of work, I decided to take a "lazy day".  I watched lots of television and caught up on some reading.  When the clock hit 4:00pm, I felt a rush of guilt invade me.  I thought to myself " I feel guilty to have waisted a day doing NOTHING!"  My mind wandered for a moment as I got up from the couch.  I walked over to the mirror and saw how peaceful my face looked.  My skin look revived and my hair had unusual shine to it.  My eyes were "dark circle" free and my spirit seemed to radiate from within them.  I went back to the couch, picked up my book and began to read again.  There was no reason to feel guilty, I had deserved a day off to let my body, mind and soul relax.  Thinking I did nothing, I was totally wrong!  I did so much good for my body and it all happened just by relaxing!

REFLECTION -

Life is only as demanding or relaxing as we make it.

Sunday, Day Of Rest - Day 189 of 365

This post is for April 3rd, 2011

MEMORY -

Remembering Pete's amazing Sunday hospitality.  They always say " Sunday is a day of rest".  Sunday's with Peter were just that!   He fed us, he entertained us ..... he took care of us.  Then the food coma afterwards .... that was a total guilty pleasure.  After cleaning up the table, I would get some shut eye on the couch among the full fed family.

APPLICATION -

Came home from a VERY busy weekend of work.  I would do anything to come home to Uncle Peter's smile and his home cooked pasta dinner.

REFLECTION -

  I don't think I've rested on a Sunday quite like I did when he was alive.

Anxiety - Day 188 of 365

This post is for April 2nd, 2011

MEMORY - 

I remember the anxiety I experienced when Pete's death was nearing.  I was out of town at a dance event and felt completely "out of the loop".  I remember a conversation I had with mom about Pete's new Hospice arrangements at the house.  I wanted to know everything that had to do with his last days.  Since my anxiety was coming from fear of the unknown, I thought "being in the know" would help.   After all .... knowledge is power, the more that I knew, the less I would fear.  I was loaded with questions.  Mom answered every one as best as she could, but I still felt a hole of emptiness fill my heart.  I knew that my anxiety was coming NOT from the unknown, but the known.  I knew he didn't have much longer and I knew I wasn't with him.

Mom called me the next day to tell me that Peter was showing signs of both weakness and restlessness.  She then explained to me that he was waiting.  Waiting for me to arrive home so he could let go.

 I immediately called for an early flight back home.   He passed not much longer after I landed and said goodbye.  Anxiety of the mind seemed to be flushed away by the soul.

APPLICATION - 

Today I experienced some "stage fright" anxiety.  I usually perform on a leveled dance floor NOT a stage.  I couldn't quite wrap my mind about being "on stage" which is funny considering it's where I grew up.   It had been at least 10 years since I had performed on stage.  Again, fear of the unknown was taking over.  I took a deep breath and thought about my last moments with Pete.  I realized my anxiety of stage fright was quite minor to what I had experienced in the past.  I then felt a wave of peacefulness come over me, thankful for the opportunity to do what I love on stage.  

REFLECTION - 

Anxiety is a natural act of the mind, ease it with the natural light of the soul.  

Life Of MY Party - Day 187 of 365

This post is for Friday, April 1st, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter was the life of HIS party.  Pete seemed quiet and to himself when in a "party" atmosphere, but that was only to a spectators eye.  When sitting next to him in conversation, you could sense he was having a party of his own.   I remember hosting my first Christmas party in our apartment.  While running around making sure everyone was having a good time, Pete motioned to me to sit beside him.  I plopped down next to him and took a breath.  He complimented me on the decorations and thanked me for inviting him.  He even humored me and wore the reindeer antlers I gave him.  He was perfectly happy sitting quietly with a beer on one side and me on the other.   It was nice to leave my party for a while and join his.

APPLICATION -

I was able to seek out some down time at a local dance event this weekend to visit with some good friends.  We went to the pool bar and toasted to us, the life of OUR party!

REFLECTION -

While waiting for the bill, a picture of Pete in his reindeer antlers popped into focus.  I made a silent toast in my heart "Cheers to you Uncle Pete, the Life of MY party" took a sip and made my way to the pool.

"Checking In" - Day 186 of 365

This post is for March 31, 2011

MEMORY -

It wasn't out of the ordinary to get a "check in" phone call from Pete.  He would say " My Dinkle Darling, I miss you! where are you? when will I see you?" ALWAYS  in a funny dramatic voice of desperation.  At the time I would just giggle it off, but today I would do anything to hear him say those words again.

APPLICATION -

A day of challenges and a day of questions.  A day that I wish Pete could have made his usual "check in" phone call, a day I would have loved to hear that I was missed.

REFLECTION -

In my heart, I feel that Pete is still "checking in on me" just in a different light.  It's probably more than I realize too.

Spirituality Speaks For Itself - Day 185 of 365

MEMORY -

I never questioned Pete's spirituality or asked him questions about his faith.  I never spoke of such things with him. I look back now, and I wonder why I didn't.  We discussed so much about life, but  the topic of spirituality never really came up in conversation.

APPLICATION -

Earlier today as I was waiting for my mani and pedi to dry, I began to relax in my chair and gaze out the window.  The music in the background was soft and spa like, as the aroma in the salon was sweetly refreshing.   It was easy to let go of thought and get lost in the present.  Without having to "think"I began to feel a sense of overall knowledge come over me.  A knowledge that Peter was very much alive, and alive within me.  As I watched the trees outside sway in the wind, I enjoyed the brief moment of enlightenment, trying to hold grasp for as long as I could.  Within seconds I got distracted and the moment was gone.

REFLECTION -

Although the moment in the Salon seemed pretty unrealistic, it was VERY real.  For the first time since Peter has passed, I knew him in a way I had never know him before.  For just a few seconds, I felt all that he was.  He was alive, he was joy and he was love.

There was no need to ask Peter questions about spirituality.  He lived a spiritual life through the goodness of his heart.  Sometimes spiritually doesn't  need to be spoken about, it just needs to be.   It speaks for itself.

Funny Guy - Day 184 of 365

This post is for March 29th, 2011

MEMORY -

Pete's sense of humor.  It was quirky, definitely one of a kind.  If he could have had his own sitcom, he would.

APPLICATION -

Dad and I spent the morning together.  It felt great since we hadn't had a father/daughter date in quite sometime.  Pete came up in conversation.  Amidst laughing, Dad said " Pete was a funny guy", I couldn't agree more.

REFLECTION -

Sometimes the most simplest of memories are the most fond.

Gadget Dorks, Me and Pete - Day 183 of 365

This post is for March 28th, 2010

MEMORY - 

 Peter loved electronics!  He was a total gadgets nerd.  He was most enthralled with the "toys" at Brookstone.  If it made his life simpler or just made him happy, he bought it.

APPLICATION - 

While waisting time at the airport, I decided to pop into Brookstone and check out their latest "toys".  A few months ago, I came across a LCD doodle pad called the "Boogie Board".  I didn't think doodling and writing without a purpose could be so much fun!  Today I went in and played some more, still seeing if it entertained me as much as it did the first time.  Well........ it sure did!!!!  I splurged and made the $40 purchase! 

I texted Mom and Dad a video of me writing on it.   I demonstrated the smoothness of the writing tool and the quickness of the "erase button".  They teased me saying it was a poor mans IPad.  I wrote back with "Well, Uncle Peter would have thought it was cool"  Dad responded with "Yep just like Pete".  

REFLECTION - 

After playing around with my new gadget, I realized that I REALLY missed the common ground that Peter and I walked on. I never knew a similar interest would create such a bond, even one as geeky as electronics.   

A Sign Of Healing - Days 147-182 of 365

February 21st - March 28th, 2011

My attempt to catch up on the days that have passed hasn't worked out as planned.  Falling more than a month behind has kept me writing about the past, trying my hardest to catch up on each day, loosing focus on the present.  The therapy behind this blog was at it's peak when I was writing daily.

 Today, I reflected upon the last month in silence.  I thought to myself " Did I really go this long without taking a little time each day to honor Pete?".  I felt horrible.  Sitting in disappointment, I continued to look back on the past weeks.  Then out of no where I felt a feeling of ease wash over me, I thought " I had been honoring my Uncle all month long!"  I had shared his stories, I kept him in my thoughts daily, I even bought certain foods he liked.  I still honored him day to day, just never took the time to reflect upon it.  Maybe I didn't have to. Maybe this past month was a sign of healing????

  As disappointed as I was about my fall back, I am at peace to know it's all apart of healing.

I'll continue this blog until I reach the two year mark of his passing.   I look forward to the days of enlightenment ahead and to the moments spent with Pete in prayer.  It's good to be back, this time a stronger person than I was before.

"You've Got A Friend In Me" - Day 146 of 365

This post is for February 20th, 2011

MEMORY -

The theme song from the movie Toy Story resides in my mind today, " You've Got A Friend In Me ...."  and for some reason when I think of this song, no other friend comes to mind other than my Uncle.

APPLICATION -

Today I witnessed a friendship go through a rough patch,a friendship rekindled, and a friendship left open ended. What a day!

REFLECTION -

Be the friend you would want to have and remind those you love "You've Got a Friend In Me" .... sometimes the people that need you the most, are the ones who need to be reminded.

Listening With Your Heart - Day 145 of 365

This post is for February 19th, 2011

MEMORY -

The moments when Peter would delight in my happiness.  Moments full of of celebration and love.   I would give anything to share a moment like that with him again today.

APPLICATION -

As I look at my award from last nights competition, I am tempted to pick up the phone and call Uncle Pete.

REFLECTION -

No more land line, no more 3G ......  Everyday that passes, brings me to a new realization.  Peter will always have a direct line to my heart.  As much as I miss picking up the phone, I miss his voice even more, but feeling a voice is different from hearing one. Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean it isn't there.  I no longer can hear him with my ears, as now I am forced to listen with my heart.  Maybe this is the way we were intended to listen all along.

#1 Fan - Day 144 of 365

This post is for February 18th, 2011

MEMORY -

Uncle Pete would attend all my dance recitals.  Didn't matter if it was Jazz or Ballet, he was there for all of it.

APPLICATION -

Tonight is the debut of our new routine!  How exciting!  In the midst of hardly being able to sleep, I was able to gather up some quiet time throughout the day of and think about my #1 fan, Uncle Pete.

REFLECTION -

He was fully in my heart this evening, through every lift, through every spin, he was there and watching, just from a different seat in the house ;)

Calm Before The Storm - Day 143 of 365

This post is for February 17th, 2011

MEMORY -

The calm before the storm.  The days before Peter's passing .... the silent energy that filled our home still resigns in my heart today.  It was disturbing and soothing all at the same time.

APPLICATION -

I attended Capital Swing a day earlier than normal.  My partner and I figured it would be best to get in, get settled and get to practicing.  I took sometime to walk around the property, quite time to myself.  No one was there yet, nothing was set up  .... just to think within 24hrs, this wonderful silence would be no more.

REFLECTION -

Within silence is stillness .....  they both go hand in hand and both are good things, especially when there is a storm in the midst.   The challenge is to maintain both until the storm passes.

Rice Paper Candy - Day 142 of 365

This post is for February 16th, 2011

MEMORY -

Walt Disney's Epcot Center.  A place of sunburned tourists, fun educational experiences and food from around the world.  Japan was one of our families favorite countries to eat at.  One of my most clearest memories as a youngster was one of Peter and I.  He bought me a small red box filled with fruit flavored jelly candies from the gift shop.  Each was wrapped in rice paper and was totally edible ... well almost that is ;)

Peter took the first candy out and popped it in his mouth.  I had failed to take notice that he unwrapped the candy from it's original (non edible) wrapping.  I was next.  I popped the candy in my mouth and began to chew.   Little did I know that the edible rice wrapper was under the real wrapper.  My face turned sour at the texture and immediately spit it out in my hand.  After sharing a good laugh, Peter showed me the right way to eat the the foreign candy, one layer at a time. Thinking back on it now, I feel Peter delighted in the moment of pure innocence that entertained him.  His little girl not knowing any better and eating the candy exactly how it was advertised.

APPLICATION -

Walking through a candy store in San Fran was the highlight of my day.  While on the search for some sweet treats, I came across the very same rice paper candies from Epcot!  I hadn't seen them since I was with Peter.  Same box, same logo, same candy!  I immediately picked up a box and began to share with my dance partner the story from my childhood.  This time around I was sure to take off the first wrapper.  Once I got to the rice paper layer, I smiled to myself and thought of my awesome Uncle.  I popped it into my mouth and was instantly brought back to a better time, a time of childhood innocence.

REFLECTION -

You do learn the second time around, just surprised I remembered all these years later!

Demands Of Work - Day 141 of 365

This post is for February 15th, 2011

MEMORY -

Back to back weeks on the road drove my family nuts, especially Uncle Pete.

APPLICATION -

A day like today is one of those days Peter would hate.  I just got home from a work week, I would have just enough time to do laundry, then I would be packed up and gone again the next day.  He would never hesitate to tell me how much I was missed.

REFLECTION -

Yes, the demands of work ( no matter what kind ) are demands.  Demands that sometimes take priority over family ones.  Sad but true.

"A Flying Spirit" - Day 140 of 365

This post is for February 14th, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter's spirit taking flight.

APPLICATION -

While flying through the air, I glanced at the clouds.  The sun shown through so brightly.  Peter's spirit filled the sky as well as my heart.

REFLECTION -

Never felt one with the sky until today.

Working Long Hours - Day 139 of 365

This post is for February 13th, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter was a very hard worker.  He was good at what he did, and put in long hours to do so.

APPLICATION -

Put in overtime today, something I don't do often.    Feet hurt, but I am feeling accomplished.

REFLECTION -

I wish I had just half of Peter's discipline when it comes to work.  I would feel accomplished more often.

Kind Eyes - Day 138 of 365

This post is for February 12th, 2011

MEMORY -

I remember Peter's eyes and how pretty they were, sparkling with kindness.

APPLICATION -

As I put on my eyeliner, I notice a resemblance to Uncle Pete.  My Eyes.  The color and the shape are very similar to his.

REFLECTION -

No matter how much I look through mine and compare, the amount of kindness in his,  it could never be duplicated.

Wedway People Mover - Day 137 of 365

This post is for February 11th, 2011

MEMORY -

Transportation.  Peter's favorite was the transportation at Disney's Magic Kingdom (The Wedway People Mover)  It was a smooth ride around Future Land.  It weaved in and out of different attractions, one of the more low keyed rides at the park.  Wasn't my favorite .... in fact I remember always throwing a hissy fit when Uncle Pete wanted to go on.  Although it was the most boring of rides to me, to Uncle Pete, it was the only way to ride.

APPLICATION -

Took a train today from Paris to Montpelier.  The smooth ride reminded me of Pete's favorite ride for some odd reason.

REFLECTION -

Even if just for a moment throughout my day I remember a random thought of my Uncle, it makes all the difference in my day.

Enjoy It While You Have It - Day 136 of 365

This post is for February 10th, 2011

MEMORY -

Towards Uncle Pete's last few days, I remember him lighting up at the taste of a Popsicle.  The severity of the cancer made it impossible for him to keep any food down, and in all reality, was starving.  We gave him an orange Popsicle to hold and enjoy in effort to keep him hydrated while making him feel independent enough to do something on his own.  He LOVED his Popsicles, letting out a brief smile upon receiving it.  The coolness of the icy treat was refreshing for him.  He enjoyed it as if it was the last thing he would eat ..... and that it was.

APPLICATION -

After spending a tiresome day at the Louvre Museum, Erik and I did a little shopping nearby.  Knowing it was our last day in Paris, Erik sucked every last bit of his surroundings in, making stops at every crepe wagon he passed, as if it was the last real crepe he would have in a long time .... which is would be.

REFLECTION -

Enjoy what you can while you can, you never know when it will be your last.

Nothing But A Shell - Day 135 of 365

This post is for February 9th, 2011

MEMORY -

I remember the exact moment Peter took his last breath.  I immediately felt his spirit exit the circle our family made around the body. It was the most odd feeling.  Odd because it was new feeling perhaps?  Upon waiting for the undertakers to arrive, I remember thinking to myself "Wow, all that's left is a shell .. just an empty shell"

APPLICATION -

Walking through the maze of bones and dirt, the catacombs of Paris had me a little freaked out.  Thousands upon thousands of skulls and bones were placed decoratively on top of each other, something you definitely don't see everyday.  Just to think that each lifeless skull once told a story of life.

REFLECTION -

When a bodies dies, it literally becomes an empty shell.  It's stripped of the spirit, the magic that makes all the atoms dance together to create a one of a kind human being.  I am sure the spiritual body is much more enjoyable that the earthly one, Peter only knows.

"I'm Da Boss!" - Day 134 of 365

This post is for February 8th, 2011

MEMORY -

One of the first things my Uncle taught me was that I was the boss!  When I was a baby, he would get down with me on the floor and ask me "Who's da boss?"  taking my little hands in his, he would bring my fist to my chest and say "I'm da boss!"  He did this countless times, each time making me giggle.  A sweet moment of joy I wish I could actually remember.  Video is all I have to recall this playfulness between Uncle Pete and his baby girl.

APPLICATION -

Getting a tour of the Palace of Versailles was an amazing opportunity.  The history, the art, the stories and scandal ..... all was so intriguing.  As I waked through the gold brushed halls, I listened closely to the guided tour.  As the guide began talking about the Louie XIV, I wondered about his failed roll as "The Boss" or "The King" as we known him.  I thought to myself " How could someone be so rich in "stuff" and so poor in heart"

REFLECTION -

I may not have been royalty, but in Uncle Pete's eyes, I was the boss and plenty rich in love.

A Cookie Lover's Dream - Day 133 of 365

This post is for February 7th, 2011

MEMORY -

I remember a trick I was taught in elementary school and the obsession Uncle Pete had with sweets.  Today, both of those memories are brought back and go together hand in hand.  The trick that I was taught helped you remember the spelling difference between the words "Desert" and "Dessert".  The word "Dessert" always had two S's because you would want to go back for seconds, which is exactly what Peter would do especially when it came to biscotti's.

APPLICATION -

While walking through the streets of Paris, I caught sight of a brightly colored cookie store.  I stopped the boys and motioned for them to follow me in.  The smell of combined ingredients, vanilla and sugar tickled my nose with delight.  I beelined straight toward the "cookie bar" where you could combine your own mix of cookies.  Without any hesitation or warning to my husband, I put on a glove, ripped off a bag and quickly started filling it with the yummiest of flavors.   Once I felt the bag begin to grow some weight, I tied off the bag and brought it up to the register.  I remembered Pete and his severe sweet tooth.  I thought to myself " Geez, Uncle Pete would be in his glory here, shortbread cookies and biscotti biscuits from ceiling to floor!"

REFLECTION -

Cookies + Uncle Pete = Sweet memories money can't buy.

Family Fondue - Day 132 of 365

This post is for February 6th, 2011

MEMORY -

The sweet moments with my family come to mind when I think of dinner time, all of us gathered around the kitchen table, laughing and sharing stories.  I fondly remember the times when my Grandma Jackie was still alive and after my brother had been born.  The time when I felt our family was whole.  We joked around a lot with each other, me to Christian, Dad to Pete, Mom to Dad, Dad to Grandma ..... we all entertained each other with each other.  I miss that more than missing anyone individually.  As a kid, you just don't know what you have until it's gone.  Pete would completely agree.

APPLICATION -

This evening, we gathered at a Fondue place.  Nancy and Jerome's son, Kim joined us for the fun.  They are the cutest family ever.  As I sat in my chair, with the feel of family in the air, I realized then how much the old DeLuca gang was missed.  I thought to myself " My family dinners will never be the same as they once were again".  For a second there, I was mourning the end to what HAD BEEN the end  since 1995, the year Grandma passed.  I shook the thought out of my head and continued  enjoying the family around me, whether it was mine or not.

REFLECTION -

Family ...... I just love it.

The Cafe Way - Day 131 of 365

This post is for February 5th, 2011

MEMORY -

Pete loved a big breakfast, but he was just as happy with a sweet treat and a cafe latte.  On occasion, he would purchase an add on to his coffee making station.  His electric cafe latte mixer was most memorable for me.

APPLICATION -

Jerome took us to a nearby favorite cafe of his.  No eggs and bacon here.  Cafe Lattes, Scones and Jelly were most popular.  The typical breakfast for the French.  Peter never had the chance to visit France, but if he did, he would have been very happy especially in the mornings!

REFLECTION -

Us Americans do EVERYTHING differently, especially when it comes to food.  Sure, scones are not the healthiest of foods, but when you walk EVERYWHERE ..... it balances itself out.  God I love Paris!

Heavenly Harmony - Day 130 of 365

This post is for February 4th, 2011

MEMORY -

A memory in church, first row, Uncle Pete to my left and my brother to my right.  The choir's vocal collaboration seemed to float throughout the isles gracefully, inviting people to join in the praise.  I was never one to sing in church.  Always a dancer, NEVER a singer.  I would hold the hymnal book with interest, but just read along while tapping my foot to the melody.  It was hard to keep a straight face while having Tweedledee and Tweedledum on either side of you.  Pete and Christian would sing dramatically in a stern "churchy voice" until I was red in the face with embarrassment.  Keeping my head in the book seemed to bring the whiteness back into my face, but it didn't seem to tune out the boys.

APPLICATION -

Erik and I were brought to a Gospel performance at a beautiful church is Paris.  They were called "Gospel Dream".  We were lucky enough to get front row seats.  The church seemed cold and dark before there was song.  As the first note was sung .... I could feel warmth begin to dance it's way in.  Their voices echoed throughout the church and off of my heart.  I was immediately touched.  The harmony was crisp, their energy was uplifting, I felt God intensely.  About half way through (once they began dancing) I began singing!   Even though Pete wasn't physically next to me, I felt him entirely around me.  For a moment, I was brought back to church, first row next to Uncle Pete, only this time I wasn't embarrassed.

From what I have heard, in Heaven, things are very different than here on earth.  Colors or more vivid, songs are more beautiful, time is timeless and people look the healthiest they've every looked.   Maybe the voice you have in heaven is one that is felt, not heard.  I say that only because I felt Peter sing along this evening.  The only one I could here with my spirit and not my ears.

REFLECTION -

Heaven will always be the mystery it was intended to be.  Through moments like tonight, where my soul surpasses my body, I get to hear with my heart and get a glimpse of what's ahead.  Brings me comfort to know that I will once again be reunited with Uncle Pete in a renewed form, only this time I'll be happily singing along.

A Timeless Dinner - Day 129 of 365

This post is for February 3rd, 2011

MEMORY -

Sunday dinners with Pete.  He would make his famous wine and meat filled gravy, cook his favorite pasta and toss his olive and tomato salad.  It seemed to be the one time of week we could all meet up together as a family, take our time and enjoy good food with good company.  Even through taking our time, there was always a natural habit of cleaning up the table shortly after dessert.  Never thought twice about it till today.

APPLICATION -

After a long flight with crappy food, Erik and I were delightfully surprised when we arrived at Nancy and Jerome's home.  They immediately sat us down with amazing wine, real french bread and the stinkiest of cheeses (those are the best).  It was the perfect "hold over" snack till dinner.  Before we knew it, we were eating again!  The wine, bread and cheese seemed to find it's way to the table again along with my o-so content husband.  Within no time (it seemed) salad was brought out, soon after that, the main entree was delivered then of course dessert, a homemade prune pie! Soooooo yummy.  Between the wine, the food, the laughs .... I totally lost track of time.  Feeling a little panicked toward the end of dinner, I checked the time.  I have a bad habit of always checking the time, in fear I will be late for the next upcoming task or event.  I almost fell out of my chair when I saw it was 11:00 pm!  We had been having dinner for 3 hrs!  WOW!  It not only went by fast, but we were doing everything so slowly.  We ate slowly, we took our time in conversation.  It seemed this was the way we were intended to have dinner all along.  I am now working on breaking my "time check" habit, it feels great!

REFLECTION -

As distant as Pete was from his original Italian roots, there was still some European habits in his blood.  Providing his Sunday dinner every week created a safe zone for a our family.  A place we could all come together as we were, delight in each other's company and put "clock time" aside.  Our dinner wasn't as long as the ones they have over seas, but it was definitely as meaningful.

A Passion For Travel - Day 128 of 365

This post is for February 2nd, 2011

MEMORY -

The stories our family would hear were often told by a story teller well traveled.  Though Pete died fairly young, he lived an experienced life inspired by travel.  His favorites were  Scotland, England and Italy.  If you couldn't get out to travel, he was the next best thing next to visiting the countries at Epcot!

APPLICATION -

Haven't seen my husband this happy in a long time.  With his luggage all packed and his problems forgotten, Erik is ready!   I was invited to teach in Montpelier and decided to go out a week before and visit some friends in Paris.  I had passed through the beautiful city before, however never got the chance to explore it.  It was also Erik's first time to France.  I am more excited for him than myself.  He is about to uncover an entirely different part of the world, and I couldn't be more thrilled for him.

REFLECTION -

 Traveling to a new place changes someone forever.  The good, the bad ..... it doesn't matter.  It shapes us into who we are are.  Visiting places far away from our normal day to day life, introduces life and discovery beyond what any book or television show could.  Travel truly is a portal to self discovery, an experience Peter often shared with those he loved and those who loved to travel.

Boxes Galore! - Day 127 of 365

This post is for February 1st, 2011

MEMORY -

Whether it was on vacation, out shopping or in his home, Pete loved boxes.  I know, I know ..... boxes?  They weren't just ordinary boxes though.  Not shoes boxes or storage boxes, these had to be special.  They had to have a unique design or an artsy flair.  He loved the ones that had secret storage spaces within the interiors.  We all have our weird likings ..... boxes were Pete's.

APPLICATION -

Making a thank you gift for a friend today.  A beautiful box that is elaborately decorated with a Paris theme.  Heading out for a Paris trip tomorrow, I thought it would be nice to make a gift for our hostess.  While filling the box with my handmade flowers, I remembered Pete and his unusual collection of boxes.  It brought a smile to my face as I toyed with the box, listening to the clean "snap" sound the magnetic cover created upon closing.  I thought to myself " Pete wouldn't own a pretty box like this one, but he would go crazy for the closing mechanism"

REFLECTION -

When I had purchased the Paris box, I also picked up one for myself.  It stated "Live, Laugh, Love" the three things Peter  is still teaching me today.

Pete, A Smart Shopper - Day 126 of 365

This post is for January 31st, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter always bought quality.  Most importantly, he knew what he was buying before he spent the money!

APPLICATION -

So, I'm walking into a blind purchase.  Paying LOTS of money for something that has no customer guarantee ...... o boy.   Can we say NERVOUS?!?!?!

REFLECTION -

Learned my lesson.  To maintain a positive frame of mind ....... know what you are buying BEFORE spending the moo-lah!  Pete had it right!

The Insanity of Perfection - Day 125 of 365

This post is for January 30th, 2011

MEMORY -

Everything I ever did was perfect in my Uncle's eyes.  My dancing, my smile, my voice .... my whole being was perfect to him.

APPLICATION -

Watched the movie "Black Swan" this evening.  WOW!!  Didn't realize a perfectionist could go off the deep end, but it completely makes sense.  Having studied with the Royal Academy Ballet school, I was taught perfection at a very young age.  We would be given exams yearly, only graduating the best of the best.  I would do my best to execute perfection.   Then during my ROTC years in High School, I found myself on an armed drill team.  We were CONSTANTLY reminded by our Captain "Practice doesn't make PERFECT, PERFECT practice makes PERFECT".  As crazy as those words sounded, they unfortunately found their way into my thoughts quite often.   This habit of thought throughout the years  created a "false self" of whom I was as an artist and performer.  Over the years, I have come to the realization that perfection is an illusory thing and when reaching for it, dysfunction eventually finds it's way in, like a cold draft in the middle of the night.  It comes in without an invite and doesn't leave until you do something about it.

REFLECTION -

Perfection is a funny thing.  We spend our lives seeking it, knowingly or not.  Whether it's our bodies, our relationships or our faith ...... society seems to be on an endless search for the unrealistic ..... Perfection.  I've come to learn, it's the things that don't take practice (like being Uncle Peter's niece) that end up being the most perfect.

Clumsy Us - Day 124 of 365

This post is for January 29th, 2011

MEMORY -

I definitely got my clumsy habits from Uncle Pete.  Pete's clumsiness came out to play while he lived a few houses down from us in Kissimmee, Fl.  My Dad kept hounding him about his walls and how some areas needed some touch up paint.  Peter wasn't exactly the handyman type, so this was a responsibility he would usually ignore in hopes Dad would come to the rescue.  Pete must have been tired of hearing Dad complain, because he FINALLY took matters into his own hands.

Pete left the room to go get the paint in the garage.  He came back and what a site to see!!!!!!  Splattered from head to toe in white paint!   Pete went on to explain that the lid to the paint can, it wasn't popped into place all the way!  When he went to go shake the can to mix up the paint..... you guessed it ...... paint went EVERYWHERE!    On his car, on his workbench, all over the garage, on his glasses ....... and of course, all over the "handyman" himself.

Mom and Dad bursted into laughter, then asked" Touched up a few things did ya Pete?"

APPLICATION -

Getting ready in a rush, I of course wasn't paying attention.  Curling my hair with one hand and putting on lipstick with the other ..... not such a great idea.  My thumb had slid across the  HOT curling barrel and totally got burned. "CRAP!" I yelled. ( not the exact word I used at the time, but "crap" will work for now)

REFLECTION -

No matter what you do today, pay attention while doing it!  Make sure you check before you shake and focus before you curl!!!!  Clumsiness ...... definitely a shared trait between the both of us!

Playing In The Snow - Day 123 of 365

This post is for January 28th, 2011

MEMORY -

It was a cold winter morning, the kind that inspires a fire and a cup of hot chocolate.  During our family vacation in Breckenridge, my brother, Uncle Pete and myself decided to spend some time playing in the snow.  We walked to the back of the cabin, carrying our sleds in one hand and our excitement in the other. Pete was a kid again.  He seemed to have tapped into a simpler time in his life, putting all thoughts of adulthood on hold.  It was good.  Good to see the ageless spirit of my Uncle come to life, in the Snow, having fun.

APPLICATION -

I found myself spending a weekend in a snow covered home.  New Jersey was over flowing with ice, very different from what I had experienced in Breckenridge.  I was introduced to Black Ice ..... By the way, I am NOT a fan!  I was amazed at how such a pleasurable thing at one point in my life, was such a un-fun thing at the moment.  Walking through the freezing cold, stomping my way through the snow, I close my eyes and remember the good times I had with Peter in similar weather conditions.

REFLECTION -

I see now .... it wasn't the snow I loved in Breckenridge, it was the people I was with.

Expect The Unexpected - Day 122 of 365

This post is for January 27th, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter would always be prepared for the unexpected.  Not because he carried around a special tool kit for life, more so because he always lived in the "Now".  He was so present.  Present in the moment enough to deal with the challenge at hand, even if it was the unexpected.

APPLICATION -

Today, I literally walked into an unexpected situation.  I was caught by surprise and didn't quite know how to handle it.  I lived in the moment, and waited it out.  I learned from this unexpected event and am thankful it happened.

REFLECTION -

Expect the unexpected, it keeps life interesting.

Growing Relationships - Day 121 of 365

This post is for January 26th, 2011

MEMORY -

As a child, I saw Pete as an Uncle.  The man in my life whom I could do no wrong.   As a teen, I began to see him as my dad's brother, learning more about where he came from and whom he was as an individual.  As an adult,  I saw him as my friend, realizing our relationship was maturing and solidifying by choice not by blood.

APPLICATION -

While teaching my study group of 8, I felt a special bond happening within the group.  Beyond the "teacher/student" realm, was a group of adults gathered together sharing information and learning from each other.   Conversation was knowledgable but not always dance related.  Special moments full of laughing, questioning and sharing.  Special moments I'll forever hold dear to my heart.  Wether teacher OR student, we are good people sharing good times.

REFLECTION -

I teach them dance, they teach me enjoyment ..... I guess it goes hand in hand.

Falling Behind - Day 120 of 365

This post is for January 25th, 2011

MEMORY -

I remember when I began this blog ..... I was very good about keeping up with the posts everyday as desired.

APPLICATION -

A bit disappointed in myself today.  It hit me that I have fallen behind on my commitment to blog about Peter on a daily basis.  I have had to jot my thoughts down throughout my hectic days and plan for a later time to blog about them.

Life happens, and things tie up your time.  This daily commitment has shown me when I am on AND off track.  The days that I make the time to blog in the quiet, I tend to slow myself down.

REFLECTION -

The days I play "catch up" are the days that fly by without stillness of the soul.  Days not fully lived.

Candy Wrapper Clutch - Day 119 of 365

This post is for January 24th, 2011

MEMORY -

Candy wrapper purses.  The first year they came out, Uncle Pete went out and bought me one.  I had not yet known of the recycled trend, but he did and he just had to get me one.  I remember him being so proud of his find.  He purchased it at an art gallery in Downtown Disney.

APPLICATION -

Cleaning day ;-(  My closet had taken a turn for the worse!  It was time to get organized.  I have been a purse junkie for years.  Collecting bag upon bag.  Handbags, duffel bags, clutches .... had them all.  For Christmas, Erik bought me the new Miche bag.  The bag that has interchangeable shells.  One purse, and hundreds of different shells.  There was no need for my HUGE collection of purses anymore.  Having no emotional attachment to my collection, I began tossing the purses one by one.

I paused for a moment and was happily surprised.  There at the bottom of the pile was Peters Candy Wrapper clutch.  I held it close realizing that it hadn't been put to use in quite a long time.

REFLECTION -

Currently planning the perfect outfit for the most perfect purse.

The Simple Things - Day 118 of 365

This post is for January 23rd, 2011

MEMORY -

I remember the simple things.  The everyday gestures and habits Peter displayed.  The moments I wouldn't normally label as "memorable", seem to stick in my mind the most.   I guess in a moment of loss ...... everything is  memorable.

APPLICATION -

Tonight, I sit down at the dinner table at Mom and Dad's.   I sit patiently waiting for dinner to be served.  During my wait, I noticed my mind begin to wander.  It tends to do that when I am around Pete's old living quarters.  I could imagine him at the other end of the table.  Sitting quietly playing on his IPhone. He also had a bad habit of biting his nails on occasion.  As crazy as that sounds, I miss that too!  From the good to the bad ..... I miss it all.

REFLECTION -

It's when you no longer have the means to see nor touch someone, that you begin to miss EVERYTHING about them, even the simple things.

A Different Light - Day 117 of 365

This post is for January 22nd, 2011

MEMORY -

The day I began this blog was a special day.  I began to get to know Peter in a different light.

APPLICATION -

Today, I listened to a friend who was speaking about a lost loved one.  I spoke about my blog and inspired them to get to know their loved one in a different light as well.  She was glowing with curiosity and excitement.

REFLECTION -

No doubt, continuing to remember someone who has crossed to the other side is an enlightening experience unlike any other I have ever experienced.  Happy to see others keeping those memories alive.

The Family Rock - Day 116 of 365

This post is for January 21, 2011

MEMORY -

If there was one word I could use to describe Peter's greatest love it would have to be Family.

APPLICATION -

Today I traveled to Jacksonville to do some teaching.  I stayed with my second family away from home. As I sat there in their dining room, I made some observations.  One observation stood out from the others.  This family was VERY similar to mine.  No wonder I felt so at home with them time after time.  Unlike mine, this family was large.  Kids running in and out of the house wasn't abnormal around this house hold.  I saw one of the boys go over to their uncle and give him the biggest hug.   A moment so sweet and loving.  I miss those tender moments with my Uncle.  The hugs .... the company.

REFLECTION -

Peter was the rock of our family ......  a stepping stone to better things ahead.

No Explanation - Day 115 of 365

This post is for January 20th, 2011

MEMORY -

So much of who Pete was, was a part of me.

APPLICATION -

Not sure what it was, but today I felt a presence within me.  Not of my own, but of Peter's.  Words can't explain it, but it felt enlightening on many levels.

REFLECTION -

Some moments in life are so profound, they can't be described nor explained.

Never Stop Learning - Day 114 of 365

This post is for January 19th, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter was one heck of a teacher.  Informative, easy to understand and always up to date.   He was the human equivalent of the Internet, no doubt. What I loved about this particular teacher is that he never stopped learning himself.  Though it seemed at times he "knew it all" ...... he was the first to tell you he didn't.

APPLICATION -

Today, I had the opportunity to see a great teacher in action.  Being a teacher myself, I was impressed beyond belief.  The teaching style was upbeat and entertaining, but what impressed me the most was the philosophy behind the information taught.  I delightfully found myself on the other side, learning once again.

REFLECTION -

The best teachers NEVER stop learning.

Wise Wizard - Day 113 of 365

This post is for January 18th, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter always reminded me of a wise wizard.  He seemed to know all,  providing  the easiest answers to the hardest questions and then POOF ... your questions would be answered and your problems, magically disappeared.

APPLICATION -

Today I had a challenge at hand.  There was no wand to wave or a magical hat to wear.  I thought about what Pete would have told me and decided to take a time out.

REFLECTION -

Taking a time out was just what I needed.  Time away from the challenge provided me time with my Uncle.    I came back to the challenge more open minded and refreshed.  As if magic happened, my problems were gone and my questions were answered.  Pete once more reminded me of a wise wizard.

A Quiet Good Morning - Day 112 of 365

This post is for January 17th, 2011

MEMORY -

Many of my memorable moments with Peter were those in the silence.


APPLICATION -

Today, I caught an early flight out of Houston, heading home.  The airport seemed quiet.  Silence wasn't hard to find, neither was Peter.  I sat both in a tired and silent state.  Did a bit of praying and began my day with a clear and quiet soul.

REFLECTION -

We continue to have those moments in silence, only now in more locations.

Known From Afar - Day 111 of 365

This Post is for January 16th, 2011

MEMORY -

Many people knew Peter, but they didn't know him like I did.

APPLICATION -

Today, as I was walking throughout the hotel, I was stopped by a woman.  She approached me with a soft face and a glowing smile.  She said " I have really enjoyed reading about your Uncle Pete"  I get this often, but today it sounded different.

REFLECTION -

I smiled and went about my day knowing Pete was a part of everyone who read about him.

Follow Your Dream - Day 110 of 365

This post is for January 15, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter didn't teach me to dance .......

APPLICATION -

He taught me to follow my dream ........ Today, I did.

REFLECTION -

I couldn't be happier.

Opportunity - Day 109 of 365

This post is for January 14, 2011

MEMORY -

Peter was a man of opportunity.  If opportunity presented itself, he wouldn't waste anytime taking it.  Opportunity to leave Chicago and move to Orlando, he took it.  Opportunity to take an unforgettable trip to Italy, he took it.  Opportunity to die peacefully at his home around family and friends, he took it.  When opportunity knocked ....Peter answered, in the good and scariest of time.

APPLICATION -

An opportunity presented itself today and I had two options.  Take it or leave it.  First instinct was to leave it, satisfying the fear I had inside.  After much thought, my heart moved me away from fear and closer to opportunity, taking on the challenging task at hand opening up a world of opportunity.

REFLECTION -

Looking back on the day, I couldn't imagine it without opportunity.

His Little World Traveler - Day 108 of 365

This post is for January 13th, 2011

MEMORY -

Pete loved to travel.  He traveled to many places, some during his years in the service, and some on his own personal time.  London and Scotland were a few of his favorites.  He NEVER passed up an opportunity to take a trip and expand his horizon.  No matter what the reason, he loved to learn and discover new territory across the globe.


APPLICATION -

Well, it feels good to be back.  Luggage tags, security lines, airport food ..... all signs that I am back on the road again.  Uncle Pete would be so proud to know I am continuing to do what I love and learn my way through the world.  He always called me his little world traveler .... and today ... I am just that!

REFLECTION -

As exhausting as traveling gets, I am blessed to do what I love and see the world while doing so.

Feelings Of The Spirit - Day 107 of 365

MEMORY -

Peter always said the things that sat heavy on his heart.  One of the many reasons I respected him and listened when he spoke.  I knew that when he spoke from the heart, something powerful was about to be heard.

APPLICATION -

My spirit moved me to words today .... not on my blog, but through a post in response to a online forum.  I needed some strength to respond and state some facts.  Facts some people may not want to hear.  I needed strength to say what was on my heart.  With the support of my friends and the lessons I learned from Pete, I was able to get the words off my heart and onto paper all in a heartfelt manner.

REFLECTION -

When the spirit talks, listen and react.  Grab a pen if you have to.

Pete's Cheese Burger Diet - Day 106 of 365

MEMORY -

 One time I remember Peter coming home from work and bragging about the new diet he created.  It was a cheeseburger diet.  He would go to Mc Donalds and order one cheeseburger per day.  That's it ..... nothing else, just one cheeseburger a day.  Didn't last long ..... what was my crazy Uncle thinking ????

APPLICATION -

Started a diet today and remembered Peter's.  No cheeseburgers for me ..... chicken, eggs and broccoli, here I come!!!!

REFLECTION -

Even though his diet didn't make sense .... it gave us all a chuckle to see him so confident about something so insane!

Reality Check - Day 105 of 365

This post is for January 10th, 2011

MEMORY -

Today, I don't recall a memory, I recall a feeling.

APPLICATION -

Had a moment of doubt today.  I couldn't believe Peter was gone.  It was a feeling that I get from time to time, but today it was more intense than ever.  Reality is what it is.

REFLECTION -

It's his presence within me that makes it seem as if he isn't really gone, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss seeing him and hearing his voice.

Coco Loco Day - Day 104 of 365

This post is for January 9th, 2011


MEMORY - 


We were all relaxing on the beach enjoying the sand and the sun.  I talked Uncle Pete into getting a Coco Loco ( the island drink ) After drinking a few strong ones, he attempted to get off of his beach chair.  With much poise and grace, he lost his balance and fell into the sand.  His face was red with laughter.  He dusted himself off while continuing to sip his drink as if nothing had ever happened.  


APPLICATION - 


On the island today.  Didn't have the island special, but I did laugh to myself remembering Pete and his Coco Loco fall.


REFLECTION - 


Some just can't keep up ;-)

Beach Babes - Day 103 of 365

This post is for January 8th, 2011

MEMORY - 


The year we went on our first cruise together as a family, we all decided to wear the same shirt.  The shirts the boys picked out were white with blue tropical flowers.  Mom and I loved them NOT taking notice to the  Sexy beach babes that were camouflaged in with the flowers.  We wore them anyways.  It was Pete's favorite shirt  by far!

APPLICATION -

Erik walked out of the bathroom this morning and said "I'm wearing Uncle Pete's favorite shirt" It delighted me that he kept the shirt and remembered who's favorite it was.

REFLECTION -

Bummed that I can't find mine ;-(

A Moment Alone - Day 102 of 365

This post is for January 7th, 2011

MEMORY -

The cruising memories.  Ahhhhhh, the sun, the sand, the water and the FOOD!!!!!  Can't beat it!  I remember Uncle Pete and the quiet moment he took for himself.  We were on the beach at one of the islands when him and I decided to take a walk to the other side of the island.  We were geared with our cameras and enthusiasm.  Pete took off on his own to take some photos of the ocean, while I stayed behind looking for sea shells.    I remember standing there watching him soak in that moment.  A moment alone with his finger on the shutter and his toes in the water.    A man whom I loved, loving the moment he was in.  A moment, I'll never forget.  So special I had to get a picture of it.  I yelled for him to turn around and wave.  A simple wave never looked so profound.

APPLICATION -

Aboard the NEW Disney "DREAM" we set sail across the sea.  I was sure to take a moment by myself and enjoy everything that surrounded me.  I felt Peter's spirit become one with the wind that blew through my hair.

REFLECTION -

Once again, Pete and I were taking another quiet walk together.

Cruise Countdown - Day 101 of 365

This post is for January 6th, 2011


MEMORY - 


I remember the countdowns Pete would text our family prior to a vacation.  Cruising was the best.  He loved to vacation on the ocean and didn't waste anytime preparing for it.    The text messages I would get were so cute, as I could feel his excitement in every word.  Even the simple short ones ...... "tick, tock, tick tock, tick, tock ......."

APPLICATION -

It's the day before we set sail!!!!  I am soooo excited!  I've already begun sending out my countdown text messages!

REFLECTION -

"tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock ........"